Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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