I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need to sanitize my soul.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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