I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
