Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
