I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
