how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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