brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
