I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
