I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
