I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
