So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
