i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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