I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Of course I have a pirate flag
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im part way to drunk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
