I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
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A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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