he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
