She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
