I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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