I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
