All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
