wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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