Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
