Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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