So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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