end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
