also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
