Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
