My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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