I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
