I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
