Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
