She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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