Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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