We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
