Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
