apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
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Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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