Swine flu. Run for my life!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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