mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
