After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
