I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
