just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
