My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
