I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
