don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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