those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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