ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
