So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I party with great urgency now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
