After last night, I could never be a politician.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
