here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
