A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
