That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
