If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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