the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
