I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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