the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
