I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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