i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
why is half of my head shaved?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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