he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
