He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
