I'm really into asian looking animals
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
